PAUL BLART MALL COP (2009)

GOTTI (2018)

K: We were talking maybe the entire time and I have no idea what this movie is about or what happened. 

T: Gotti, greatest crime lord of all time, finally gets a fitting tribute to his reign of terror by one of America’s worst actors.

K: You just feel very embarrassed watching this... Travolta is like your lame step dad desperately trying to prove his machismo. Or trying to impress your friends in the car with a Godfather impression. The movie is bookended by the dumbest god dam breaking the fourth wall monologue, which was obviously my favorite part.

CLASS OF 1984 (1982)

T: Teens are out of control, selling drugs in high school and giving them to kids. It makes the kids do crazy things like climb up the flagpole, recite the Pledge of Allegiance and jump off. But that won’t do for the new teacher Andrew Norris, who seeks to get revenge on the students that have ruined this school. His coworker Terry snaps and pulls a gun on his class. The students drive him crazy and he tries to run them over, he ends up flipping his car and the car explodes. The night of the big band recital Andrew seeks to exact his revenge upon the bad kids one by one, hunting them down through the halls of the school. Just becomes absolutely gruesome and crazy in the third act of the movie. Very strange theme song by Mr. Alice Cooper.

K: Much like Robert Cop 2, this has some of my favorite things that could be in a movie which are 1. psycho punks in psycho outfits and 2. every character that isn't the protagonist is amoral chaotic scum. It was fun to watch but all in all "nothin' to write home about." As far as punk movies go this could probably fall under way better than Class of Nukem High but not as good as Repo Man. 

BATTLEFIELD EARTH (2000)

T: Hail Xenu everybody ;-) That’s what you say to make the scientologists mad. Or you could also say “Battlefield Earth” was such a box office stinker that I needed some kind of futuristic clothespin to hold my nose shut while I watched it! Maybe something similar to what the human prisoners had to wear in this film. The scene where the aliens planet explodes is pretty cool though.

K: Maybe it’s redundant to review such a widely hated movie. Every camera angle is super close up to whoever’s talking, and diagonal, and has a gross yellow/blue filter on it to simulate being nauseous I guess!! The thing that really made me insane is how little attention was put into the world building… it takes place on Earth in the far future (specifically the year 3000 lol good year), and humanity has somehow forgotten all technology or memory of technology and have basically become cavemen again and wear shitty patchwork pelts and eat raw meat. There’s still ruins of shopping malls, government buildings, etc. that are pretty well intact but I guess the humans just don’t know what they are…? Luckily though, when the main character literally just has knowledge zapped into his eyeballs, he spends an afternoon relaying all the lost knowledge from the past 1000 years and then everyone knows how to use future weapons, fly alien ships, and the exact location of abandoned military forts that are conveniently open and still fully stocked. And then they outsmart the aliens and blow up their planet!!! Yaaaaa!!! Goddddd!!!!! dammmm this movie is fucking stupid as hell

PUPPET MASTER (1989)

K: I remembered liking Puppet Master when I saw it like 10 years ago but things are different now and I hate this movie!!! In theory it’s cool, some psychics are in a psychic club and are staying in some hotel together to investigate their collective hell visions, that’s enough of a plot right there. But they’re also being hunted and murdered by puppets!! I don’t know, maybe I’m a baby. The puppets were just too much for me and I’m like, do we really need to have a sexy puppet? And she’s vomiting leeches onto a guy? I had to abandon ship. But luckily if I want to give Puppet Master another go there are ELEVEN sequels!! 

T: Imagine you’re the producer of Puppet Master 1. The first movie may have been a dud, but luckily the universe decides to give you eleven more chances to make things right. PS: I love that the cast are all famous psychics hanging out in a spooky house together! This script seems like it hasn’t been updated since 1920.

THE STUFF (1985)

T: Fantastic!! From the same director as God Told Me To, but much better. At the buffet of film, I’m near the dessert tray, piling scoop after scoop of Delicious Consumer Culture Satire onto my plate. I’m grabbing another plate! I’m eating bite after bite of this delicious… cream?? That’s right movie fans it’s the stuff. I’m eating the stuff from the movie The Stuff, the movie about a delicious dessert that takes the world by storm. This movie goes to some downright weird places, with the Stuff destroying a recording studio and an army base at one point. Of course the Stuff also has to be a conspiracy against those big government fat cats; the conclusion will have you on the edge of your seat. With perhaps a nice snack in hand :-)

K: The Stuff is yogurt?? That comes out of a hole in the ground. This whole movie is a transparent and haphazard jab at consumerism and the American food industry and that's fine, I like a movie that just gives you what you want and doesn't make you guess or consider "bigger questions." There's some fun fake commercials throughout but the main reason to watch this is for the practical FX which sometimes look like shit and sometimes look amazing.

HIDER IN THE HOUSE (1989)

K: Gary Busey is released from prison after many years with absolutely nothing and nowhere to live, so he goes back to his childhood house and, yeah you guessed it HIDES IN IT… he sets himself up in a secret closet thing in the attic and becomes obsessed with the family living there. He falls in love with the wife and just wants to be with her but he keeps accidentally murdering people :-( 

T: Gary Busey is without a doubt one of the scariest looking actors ever. The pacing of the movie is close to perfect! Has one of the most unrealistic/close call endings ever, but I still enjoyed it a lot.

K: I love Gary forever and this movie is a perfect example of what I call "BUSE ON THE LOOSE," where he's mainly bumbling around like a maniac, and making psychotic monologues with scary sustained eye contact. This is the ultimate era of Busey where he's still doing a great job acting and playing a crazy guy, but his IRL craziness is starting to seep through the cracks too. He can really carry a whole scene with no one in it but himself, like an ape pacing a cage. I might just be a sucker for made-for-TV movies but something about those is perfect for Busey too. This movie also genuinely scared me!! Slapping a "must see" stamp on this one for all Busey-heads!!

ROBOCOP 2 (1990)

T: For years I had only seen the first Robo and not the second; Karissa brought up that the sequel only improves upon the formula established by the first. She was right as hell!! The action is HOTT and the future city of Detroit where everyone is poppin NUKE is incredible! Special shoutout to the head honcho badguy who is just a little kid.

K: I think Robocop 2 is so good because it’s constantly trying to do everything just more extreme than the first one. Now the villain is a cult leader manufacturing narcotics called “NUKE” with a child gangster, and the Nuke is being bought by shady politicians. Meanwhile Robo continues to have no autonomy and be haunted by his human feelings of loss and heartbreak, and Omni Corp doesn’t care, and a manipulative psychologist with good style shows up and reprograms him and starts experimenting with crAzier robots. There’s something very special to me about Robocop, maybe it’s that everyone in the world besides his partner is evil scum, and despite his endless agony he can only ever do exactly what he’s told to do. God I just love Robocop!!! I'm getting emotional just thinking about him!!! FYI, “Robo” is short for “Robert” and his full name is Robert Cop.

GHOULIES (1985)

T: The googlies are the newest hottest franchise in the “little creatures” subgenre of horror! They’re summoned from an old book that a cool teen guy finds during a house party! Hey stop horsing around Rick!! Next thing you know these ghoulies are getting him to do stuff and they’re flying around, hiding in trees, etc. This franchise really follows the pattern of the first movie being kind of serious and scary, the second being sillier, and the third one coming completely off the rails.

K: I wouldn’t go so far as to call this movie “serious,” it’s tongue in cheek but not in an obnoxious looking at the camera and winking way. Jonathan (whose name is NOT Rick...) inherits a big creepy mansion much to the dismay of his girlfriend, Rebecca because he decides to quit college and commit all his time to fixing up the place. He accidentally summons the Ghoulies who are sooooo cute and bad mannered and he immediately just becomes satanic and crazy, which I love. Rebecca also becomes weird and demon-y pretty quickly and then they’re just in there with Ghoulies wreaking havoc and killing their friends. What I love about this movie is the plot just gets right to it and goes really over the top, and there’s no real explanation for anything other than yeah, they’re demons and they’re running around, so…? And the Ghoulies look great, way cooler than Gremlins and each one is different!! Please refer to the chart below for the Ghoulies present in this film:

CLIFFORD (1994)

T: I don’t care I love this movie

K: Ok fine maybe I didn’t “TRY” hard enough to enjoy this, I don’t know, I just don’t like Martin Short for some reason and refuse to move past it. Sorry I guess I’m off to Comedy Jail!!

ROAD HOUSE (1989)

K: I hate every single thing about Roadhouse, shitty soundtrack, literally everyone is a bad actor, every character is unlikeable, the whole town is a shit hole and if Swayze is like a drifter or whatever then what possible attachment could he have to these people? Like WHO cares just go somewhere else. Fuck this movie

T: Your wrong Karissa; Roadhouse is the perfect metaphor for small town politics. One incredibly buff man who’s different from the rest because he does tai chi uncovers an incredible conspiracy in Dickhole, Indiana. Yes the soundtrack sucks but if I had a nickel for every movie with a shitty soundtrack I’d have at least 200 nickels. Also young Sam Elliot is CUT

GOD TOLD ME TO (1976)

K: We watched this entire boring ass movie because the light at the end of the tunnel was seeing a half man half alien, and knowing it was the same director as The Stuff I figured “hmm prob gonna be some pretty cool FX…!” WRONG it was just a man wearing linens with gold skin, thanks for nothing. 

T: I remember this movie being not as boring!! WHat Happened?? The setup in the first act (Roman Catholic detective thinks God is guiding all these young men to kill) is a perfect slice of late 70’s snark but then? The movie drags like a piece of dog dirt on a truck’s mudflap. I also misremembered that the detective had sex with the half man half alien? That would’ve been way cooler. Instead the building they’re in just burns down. So many films just end with some kind of explosion or arson, the ultimate cop-out.

TO LIVE AND DIE IN L.A. (1985)

K: I watched this twice in one week and something about this movie could not hold my attention.  Which is either the fault of its convoluted plot or my refusal to remember character names or listen to important dialogue. PROS: young Willem Defoe is a great creepy bad guy, he’s not only a counterfeit mastermind but a lover of Fine Arts. At the beginning we see him setting his own painting on fire and then later he’s attending an interpretive dance performance. And yes he counterfeits bills via silkscreen printing,  DIY BABY…! Other pros are Wang Chung doing the soundtrack, well paced action scenes, violence is rightfully gritty and succinct, and a refreshing amount of male nudity for this kind of movie including a full hog :0!!!! really surprised me.

T: Willem Dafoe makes a big splash in this cop movie with Real Verified dick shadow. This movie is so damn confusing. Karissa watched it twice but I only saw it once, I think I may have to rewatch it to actually understand it a bit better. I will admit that the scene near the end with Willem Dafoe sitting in a warehouse full of burning art is genuinely scary. Plenty of vroom vroom bang bang scenes in this film to get your motor running so you can both live and die in La.

MYSTICS IN BALI (1981)

T: As always I am a sucker for any movies involving monsters from folklore plus old timey special effects. Unfortunately for us there was only about 5 minutes worth of that in this film. I can't blame the filmmakers; gotta make those 5 minutes really count. In between all this there are some really drawn out conversations that seem like they go on forever. I would love to see a film about a leyak flying around the world in 80 days.

K: The alleged plot of this is the protagonist, Cathy, asks her boyfriend to take her into the jungle and introduce her to demon stuff and she IMMEDIATELY becomes a demon and is turning into a snake, flying around eating pregnant women , etc. What I don't understand is why her boyfriend is surprised by any of this when he literally took her to the demon house with bottles of blood and was like here you go, here's all that stuff you wanted. It's also confusing if she's in a trance/possessed when she's flying around, because sometimes she wakes up confused, other times she seems to be doing it on her accord and being totally cool with it, so I don't know. This movie is fine to maybe put on in the background while you're doing anything else. B-movie enthusiast guys with tattoos will disagree with me and punish you with a long list of why it's good.